ENM and Emotional Safety: Speaking for Parts, Not From Them
Exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can be expansive, deeply rewarding, and—let’s be honest—emotionally intense.
It invites us to stretch beyond what most of us were taught about love, attachment, and belonging. At the same time, ENM can stir up so much internally—parts of us that long for connection, fear abandonment, crave control, or brace for rejection.
As an IFS and IFIO (Intimacy From the Inside Out) informed therapist and someone who has explored ENM in my own life, I’ve seen how vital it is to cultivate emotional safety, not just in our relationships but within ourselves. I’m not currently practicing ENM, but the lessons I’ve learned from those seasons, both personally and professionally, continue to shape how I show up in relationships and work.
One of my biggest takeaways is that it matters deeply whether we speak for our parts or from them, especially when we’re navigating the emotional complexity of non-monogamy.
Understanding Emotional Safety in ENM Through a Parts Lens
In any relational system, emotional safety is foundational. But it becomes even more essential in ENM, where vulnerability often intersects with uncertainty. It’s not uncommon for conversations around new partners, time boundaries, jealousy, or attachment needs to stir up big emotional waves.
From a parts perspective, this makes perfect sense.
Our systems are full of protective strategies shaped by past relationships, cultural messages, family history, and even attachment trauma.
Some parts might jump in with criticism or control. Others might shut down or people-please to preserve connection. Still, others might spiral into shame or despair.
When we can identify these parts with curiosity and compassion rather than let them take over, we create more safety for ourselves and the people we love.
In IFS and IFIO, we call this Self-leadership the ability to speak for a part (“There’s a part of me that’s feeling anxious and afraid of being replaced”) rather than from it (“You don’t even care about me anymore!”).
One creates connection. The other almost always ruptures it.
The Cost of Speaking From Parts in Poly Dynamics
Let’s be real: ENM invites a level of emotional honesty that can be raw and disorienting. Poly or open dynamics have many moving pieces—not just the logistics but the emotional terrain of who feels what, when, and why.
When we speak from parts, especially protectors, we may become reactive, shut down, accusatory, or controlling. Even if our intentions are good, our partners often sense the energy behind our words before they hear the content.
Here’s what speaking from parts might sound like:
“Wow, I guess you don’t need me anymore now that you have someone new.” (a hurt part speaking through sarcasm or resentment)
“This is exactly why I didn’t want you seeing other people. I knew I’d get left behind.” (a fearful part speaking from abandonment anxiety)
“Fine, go do whatever you want. Just don’t expect me to be here when you get back.” (a protector part threatening disconnection to regain a sense of power)
In poly dynamics, this can create spirals of defensiveness and disconnection. Not because people don’t care, but because their parts are in charge—and those parts are scared.
When we lack language for our inner systems, we risk blaming our partners for what’s actually happening inside us, which is unsustainable.
Speaking For Parts: A Path to Secure Connection
This is where the magic of IFS and IFIO really shines. When we learn to pause, get curious, and listen internally, we begin to understand which parts are activated and why. We can tend to them gently instead of acting them out.
Speaking for parts means saying something like:
“A part of me is really afraid of being forgotten when you’re with someone new.”
“There’s a protective part that wants to shut down right now, but I’m trying to stay present.”
“I notice a younger part that’s feeling anxious and wants reassurance.”
When we do this, we invite our partners into our inner world with clarity and openness. We’re not making them responsible for our parts—we’re letting them witness us in a way that builds trust.
This kind of relational transparency fosters true emotional safety. It says, “I’m working with my system, and I want to stay connected with you.”
Triggers, Protectors, and the Polyamorous Paradigm
I also want to name something important:
ENM is not inherently more triggering than monogamy, but it can shine a spotlight on our attachment wounds, our fears of scarcity, our perfectionism, and our tendencies to compare.
That’s not a flaw of the model. It’s an opportunity.
But only if we’re resourced enough to meet our parts with compassion. That’s why I always encourage people—whether they’re new to ENM or seasoned pros—to build practices that support Self-energy: mindfulness, therapy, journaling, embodiment work, or simply moments of solitude where parts can be heard.
When we recognize that a fierce protector is trying to keep us safe or that a young exiled part is longing for reassurance, we no longer have to act those feelings out in our relationships. We can name them, hold them, and stay present.
This doesn’t make the hard moments disappear, but makes them more workable.
Start working with an Ethical Non-Monogamy Couples’ therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
Speaking for parts, not from them, is one of the most powerful relational tools I know. It changed how I show up, both in my life and the therapy room.
And it’s available to all of us—with patience, practice, and much compassion.
If you and your partner want to cultivate emotional safety especially in the context of ethical non-monogamy, our team of couples therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
Speak with a couple’s therapist.
Navigate your differences with confidence!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Teen Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and women facing pregnancy and postpartum anxieties. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.